
My Approach to Counseling

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Coordination with Parents
The more parents and I are on the same page when it comes to how psychotherapy works with teenagers and how to parent them at home the more powerful psychotherapy becomes. This is why I always make time to meet with parents regularly to educate, explain, answer questions, and work on parenting strategies together. Without this kind of coordination, we might end up working at cross purposes and undermining the effectiveness of their teenagers' psychotherapy. ​
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A Quality Therapeutic Relationship
The most powerful factor in psychotherapy with teenagers is the establishment of a therapeutic working relationship that includes trust. This kind of relationship is very specific and carefully curated by me when I work with teenagers. A good therapeutic relationship makes it much easier for teenagers to talk about things that they would regularly avoid. It makes it easier for them to take emotional leaps of faith and to trust that they'll be treated respectfully, with compassion, and with non-judgemental interest when they do. This allows teenagers to get into the spirit of psychotherapy so that healing and strengthening can gain momentum.
The Basics
I see counseling, also known as psychotherapy or talk therapy, as a powerful process for teenagers that strengthens as it heals. For it to work well certain basic conditions have to be present. In the mental health field, we call these conditions the Therapeutic Frame.
Consistent Sessions
Consistency is fundamental for allowing the healing and strengthening process time to work. The most common cause of a disappointing outcome in psychotherapy is simply a lack of consistency. ​​​
Privacy or Confidentiality
​Real privacy makes it possible for teenagers to freely, spontaneously, and unfilterly express themselves without having to worry about who finds out and what happens when they do. This free expression gives us great raw material to start to digest emotional intensity, identify patterns of thought, behavior, emotion, and relationship, and gradually deepen and broaden how much teenagers understand about their minds and their hearts. Healing and strengthening is a natural consequence of this self-knowledge. Please visit the Fees and Policies page for a description of the limits of privacy in psychotherapy.


The Psychotherapy Theories I Find Useful in Practice
Counseling with Teenagers
The Psychodynamic Approach - Background​
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Psychodynamic psychological theory has been historically developed by clinicians, people who see patients in the real world. This sets it apart from some other theories of psychotherapy, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Solution Focused Therapy, which have roots in university research and animal studies.
Psychodynamic psychotherapy has undergone many double-blind scientific efficacy studies which compare it to other styles of psychotherapy and the results have been fascinating and mirror my own experience as a therapist, Shedler (2010), Leichsenring & Rabung (2008, 2011), Bateman & Fonagy (2008), Knekt et al. (2008), Steinert et al. (2017). In a nutshell, psychodynamic psychotherapy is just as effective as other styles at reducing symptoms in the short term. But, in the long term, psychodynamic psychotherapy seems to stand out. Once people have stopped psychodynamic psychotherapy the evidence shows continued improvement into the future not only in symptom reduction but also in terms of psychological growth and strength. These results indicate that psychodynamic psychotherapy produces deep and long-lasting change. In my professional opinion, this is because psychodynamic psychotherapy treats the roots of the problem, not just the symptoms.
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The Tenets of Psychodynamic Psychotherapy
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Focus On Emotional Expression - There's a huge difference between private feelings and expressed feelings. Expressing emotions allows them to be properly digested and the emotional nutrition extracted can then be absorbed. This reduces their intensity and helps patients think about their feelings in more flexible, properly contextualized ways. As an emotion runs its course it performs important psychological and physical functions for us.
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Investigating Attempts to Avoid Unpleasant Thoughts and Feelings - It's very understandable to avoid distressing thoughts and feelings on purpose. But, the mind does this avoidance in all sorts of ways. Many of these patterns of avoidance happen in ways that we are not aware of. Bringing these unconscious mental avoidance patterns into our awareness helps patients understand how they are, inadvertently and with good intentions, blocking their own healing. This knowledge helps them to unblock and overcome long-standing mental difficulties.
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Pointing Out Repetitive Patterns and Themes - We've all engaged in self-destructive patterns of behavior, thought, emotion, and relationship. Sometimes its difficult to notice them until someone points them out. When this happens we find ourselves in a new position. And we have a chance to understand them enough to move from unconscious pattern to purposeful decision.
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Talking About Personal History - Past experiences have enormous influences on us. Being a whole human being means understanding how our particular past has shaped the lens through which we see and understand our present. This understanding helps to free us from the grip of the past and enables us to make decisions using our own conscious judgment.
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Emphasis on Social Relationships - We are and always have been fundamentally social creatures. Understanding how we think and feel in our relationships helps us to develop new, healthier, and more joyous ways of relating to other people. When our relationships are good we are enhanced and come into our full bloom.
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Exploration of the Therapeutic Relationship - The relationships that I form with the people who come to see me are themselves grist for the mill. By taking a good close look at how we're getting along and why it's like that we can get interesting insights into a person's pattern of relating to other people. I also use my psychological sensitivity to give people feedback on what its like to be with them in a way they can find illuminating.
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Discussion of Fantasy Life - People's fantasy lives are fascinating and full of useful information about how they see themselves and the world. Exploring a person's fantasy life can shed light on their dreams and deep wishes. It can help us understand their yearning and unacknowledged needs.
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Psychodynamic Psychotherapy is an insight-based, experiential, and deep style of psychotherapy that goes beyond superficial symptoms to heal and grow from the inside out. I have found using it in psychotherapy enormously useful.
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The Person-Centered Approach - Background
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This style of psychotherapy also has roots in clinical practice. It has also been demonstrated to be effective by double-blind research studies; Elliott et al. (2013), King et al. (2000), Greenberg et al. (1994), Sachse & Elliott (2002), Zuroff et al. (2007). The founder of Person-Centered Psychotherapy is Carl Rogers, an American Psychologist. It emphasizes people's innate ability to heal and grow as long as the proper conditions are met. These conditions have to do with a special focus on the therapeutic relationship and empathetic understanding. Person-centered psychotherapy is also traditionally used not just for symptom reduction but for personal growth. It's the theory of psychotherapy that coined the term' Self-Actualization" and where the famous phrase "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change." comes from. For me, this is the psychotherapy style that has the most heart.
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Tenets of Person-Centered Psychotherapy
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​Unconditional Positive Regard - This describes the attitude that the psychotherapist purposefully takes when relating to patients. It means that I see my patients as inherently good no matter what. They may be acting in self-destructive ways but their intention is to feel better, be at peace, and be happy. Knowing this in my bones allows me to accept them as they are, and provide non-judgemental understanding. For a patient to be able to change, they must first experience that the way they are now is accepted.
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Focus on Empathetic Understanding - The experience of being understood by a psychotherapist should go beyond an intellectual understanding. A good psychotherapist uses their ability to understand at the emotional level and convey this empathetic understanding to the patient. Feeling understood at both the intellectual and emotional levels helps a person accept and work through their feelings.
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​Authenticity - This style of psychotherapy places a lot of emphasis on being authentic with the people you work with. This is considered superior to taking the stance of an authority figure. In psychotherapy with teenagers in particular this has a disarming effect that allows teens to drop their guard and feel free to relate to me as a person.
Non-Directive Approach - Person-centered psychotherapy theory acknowledges that patients themselves are the experts on their lives. My patients know better than me what they need to talk about and feel through. They guide me and then I can help them. With teenagers, this approach helps to develop a sense of authority over themselves which leads to taking on more appropriate personal responsibility. It also helps to prevent the emergence of defiance or rebelliousness in the therapeutic relationship.
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Self-Actualization - This is the idea that people have an innate drive toward healing, growth, personal development, authenticity, and fulfillment. Under the appropriate conditions, anyone will choose to move in this direction. Psychotherapy is intended to provide the conditions for this natural healing and growth-promoting process to take place.
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Teenagers do not usually experience a relationship with an adult that has these qualities. When they experience it they gain access to an adult mind without the pitfalls of power hierarchies or the threat of punishment or being exposed. This therapeutic situation opens up new possibilities for healing and growing.
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Working with Parents
The importance of Relationship and Behavioral Parenting Basics
The way I work with parents is quite different from the way individual psychotherapy with teenagers works. I use everything that I described above but since the emphasis of the work tends to be on the teenager working with parents often takes a more practical approach that includes more direct advice and instruction. I always seek to understand the relationship between parents and their teenagers and explain the fundamental role of it in the mental health of a teenager. If teenagers are secure in their relationship with their parents it puts them in the best state of mind to learn from mistakes, be thoughtful before making decisions, and to be willing to ask for help when they need it. So, this is the first order of business. Sometimes the bond between parent and teenager is in pretty good shape and just needs a little tweaking. Sometimes there's a lot to address. In these cases I may recommend that we have dedicated sessions, without the teenager present, to give ourselves the time to properly understand what's happening in the relationship and why it turned out this way. The reason for this emphasis on relationship above discipline is simple. The exact right, most behaviorally sound system of consequences, rewards, freedoms, and privileges isn't worth a damn unless it's underpinned by a relationship that has enough trust, love, respect, and fun. Think about it like this: How have you felt about the people in your life that you have taken advice from, allowed yourself to be guided by, or shared personal information with? Without this relational bedrock, nobody is listening to anybody. There are so many reasons why the relationship between a parent and their teenager can sour. In many cases, the sourness is a sign that we have to allow our relationship with our teenagers to change to make room for a new one to take its place. This happens a lot because children become teenagers and teenagers become young men and women so fast! And, as parents, we may naturally take a conservative, not so fast there young man, kind of approach. So, this results in a predictable relational tension that can stick and block the relationship from growing and adapting fast enough. Sometimes we as parents, trying desperately to help, fix, or protect, end up making things worse. Sometimes we can't help but repeat parenting patterns that we experienced with our parents even though we see it's not getting us anywhere. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what our teenagers need to do and understand that we forget about their real need to be listened to and understood. Shedding light on these common problems and facing our intense emotions when it comes to our precious teenagers can naturally help reestablish the trust, love, respect, and fun we need in our relationships with our teenagers. Making progress in the relationship can sometimes make further work on parenting unnecessary. The relationship does a whole lot! But, of course, sometimes we need to rebuild and/or refine what I call family business.
Family business with teenagers deals with freedom, privilege, permissions, money, and household and academic responsibilities. It comes down to making clear deals, compromising, judicious adjusting, consistency, and understanding how teenagers in particular differ from adults when it comes to these areas and what they need from us to learn well. Teenagers also tend to separate freedom and responsibility. Part of our job as parents is to help them understand that freedom and responsibility are really two sides of the same coin. There's an art and science to this, it includes firmness and flexibility and it takes unique forms in each family. My job is to assist you as parents with all of this including avoiding the common pitfalls of what I call relational consequences and the nuclear option.
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A relational consequence happens when a teenager breaks a family business rule and parents react with personal attacks, yelling, or emotional withdrawal. It's when parents punish rule-breaking by getting personal. This kind of reaction harms the relationship, confuses the boundaries between family business and personal family relationships, and creates a situation and mental state in the teenager that interferes with learning from mistakes.
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The nuclear option happens when a teenager makes a family business mistake and the parent reacts by permanently removing the associated benefit. It's something like "I let you go out with your friends and the responsibility attached to the benefit was coming home by crewfew. You haven't come home on time for the last 10 times so now there's no more going out with friends." This drastic consequence robs your teenager of the chance to improve and creates resentment towards you.
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These examples of common pitfalls cause a lot more harm than good. The reality is that teenagers learn more effectively when they don't believe that their relationship with their parents is on the line and when they have repetitive opportunities to correct behavior to avoid predictable reductions to the privileges that matter to them. The teenage brain is biologically set up to overestimate the chances that a risk will pay off and they need lots of repetition to promote the growth of the balancing inhibitory function. That's the part of the mind that says "Wait! I don't know about this... let me think and see if this is worth the risk." It's not a character problem, they're just being teenagers.
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As a specialist in psychotherapy with teenagers it is my job to help you navigate these difficult and wonderful parenting waters. When we as parents do it well enough we get to enjoy our teenagers, delight in their growth and development, and have the peace of mind that comes from a strong belief that we've done right by them.
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